Many of us depend on our friends to get through the good, the bad, and the blah. Celebrating a milestone birthday, running mundane errands, venting after the longest day at work—almost everything is better with a buddy. Which is why it can sting so much when they don’t show up.
“In a close relationship, we want to feel secure, and part of feeling secure is having the other person behave in a way that’s consistent,” Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, a Philadelphia-based therapist and the author of I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age, tells SELF. “If somebody is canceling on us at the last minute when they told us that we could rely on them being there, then that shakes that sense of security.” It can also bring up feelings of being abandoned, rejected, or disrespected, Earnshaw adds.
Bailing occasionally is no big deal—sometimes stuff comes up and your friend is only human. But if it becomes a pattern and leaves you feeling burned, it can hurt your relationship in the long run. To prevent that from happening, we asked Earnshaw for the best ways to address the issue, so you both feel seen and heard.
Approach your flaky friend with curiosity versus judgment.
Before sparking a conversation with the pal who keeps letting you down, make sure to get into a calm headspace so you don’t lay into them, Earnshaw recommends. That might mean spending time with another friend, doing something fun on your own like watching a comforting show or listening to chill music, or simply going to bed so you can sleep off your frustration, she suggests.
Once your head is clear of anger or resentment, ask them when they’re free and set up a time to chat in a comfortable environment—maybe over the phone or at your go-to coffee shop. If you’re both relaxed, you’ll be better able to see each other’s point of view, which is essential if you want to remedy the issue, Earnshaw says.
When the time is right, she recommends saying something like, “Hey, what’s up? I’ve noticed that when we make plans, you tend to change your mind or bail, and I’m just curious about what’s going on.” There are many reasons why a friend may cancel at the last minute: Maybe they really wanted to be there for you, but the day of they realize they don’t have childcare or they’re overwhelmed with stress or anxiety. “If this is a person who in every other way is a great friend, and this keeps coming up, I think there’s a lot of room for empathy,” Earnshaw says.
On the flip side, criticizing them for their pattern will likely only put them on the defensive or make them feel ashamed—which could be part of the reason why they put off canceling plans in the first place.
Encourage them to be honest with you if they can’t–or don’t want to–show up.
After listening to their side of the story with curiosity and compassion, share yours, being careful to use “I statements” (“I feel disappointed when you don’t show” as opposed to “You clearly don’t care about ditching me”) so they don’t feel attacked. Then get to the point of the conversation: Figuring out how to move forward. Earnshaw suggests saying something like, “How can we make this work? Because I want to see you and I want to know that I can rely on you, but I also don't want to put you in a position where you don't feel comfortable.”
